On Wednesday, the information booth volunteer who pointed me toward the Donut Burger stand (four vendors down on the left) couldn’t understand why anyone would want to eat a beef patty sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts.
“I wouldn’t try it,” she said. “But you can come back here and tell me how it is.”
I asked the cashier at the burger stand if anyone had died from eating the burger (“Not yet”) and let some visitors from Winston-Salem, N.C., take a picture of my meal (“We just can’t believe someone would make this”) before I settled down to see what all the fuss was about.
It took less than 10 minutes to eat the Krispy Kreme burger. But I spent the next two hours in negotiations with my digestive system, begging for forgiveness and cooperation.
It was in the aftermath of the meal that I identified the five emotional stages that I experienced during and after the consumption of the Krispy Kreme burger. Here is a chronicle of my immediate thoughts and feelings.
OH EM GEE. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this magical combination of beef and fried dough? The burger is juicy and dressed with American cheese, lettuce, red onion and tomato. The donuts are so fresh that they easily smash in my hands and coat my fingers with glaze. This is good and greasy, and I must eat it in double the time it would take me to finish a regular cheeseburger. Take that, naysayers. Why was I so scared of something so wonderful? I should’ve abided by the Go Big or Go Home doctrine and gotten bacon. In the epic battle of Woman vs. Food, I have emerged victorious.
I just ate two Krispy Kremes. And a cheeseburger. At the same time. The grease and glaze have introduced themselves to one another in the pit of my stomach, and the dough is quickly expanding. This can’t bode well.
I shouldn’t have gotten the cheese. Or the tomato. Or the onion. Or the burger. I shouldn’t have eaten it so fast. I shouldn’t have also ordered sweet potato fries to go along with the burger. I should have coated my stomach with something beforehand, like some Pepto or an ice cream cone. I should have practiced before diving into such an epic meal. Maybe a deep-fried Snickers could have built my stomach into an iron-clad dome.
I can’t believe I ate a Krispy Kreme burger. Consuming that many calories can’t be very ladylike. The folks on Twitter are already a bit disgusted with my meal. I am as disgusted as well. Maybe I can sleep this off under the amateur photography display.
It took two hours of walking through the exhibit halls to return my body to some degree of normalcy, but I’m fine. I’m not in a food coma in one of the cages with the prize hogs. My belly is full, but not dragging me down. I consumed a delicious lunch of a fatty food combination that I will never eat again, but it was worth the bragging rights. Now, excuse me while I eat a piece of funnel cake.